Behold, my faithful flock of leaf-loving deviants, the end is allegedly nigh. On September 23rd, 2025, the skies may rip open, angels may descend with flaming trombones, and the righteous may ascend like helium balloons with bad tattoos. But before that cosmic Uber ride arrives, you’d better have this 5-pack clenched in your mitts.

My Father – The Judge: When the horn sounds, someone’s gotta bang the gavel. This cigar is the cosmic magistrate, sentencing you to a slow burn in a haze of tasty absolution.

Black Label Trading – Last Rites: Administer your own final sacrament with this stick, because odds are Father O’Malley’s gonna be too busy sky-surfing on a seraph’s wings to get to you.

Stolen Throne – 3 Kingdoms: Post-rapture, you’ll need to pick your realm: Heaven, Hell, or the lounge. Spoiler alert: the lounge wins every time.

Hermanos De Armas – Cataclysm: A smoke so apocalyptic it makes four horsemen look like the Wiggles. Spark this when the ground quakes and the Wi-Fi finally dies.

Dapper – La Madrina Shade: Because even in the end times, your soul deserves something smooth, stylish, and suspiciously comforting,ike grandma if she carried a switchblade.

So, whether you ascend, descend, or just get stuck in Pittsburgh traffic while everyone else floats away, light up these five. They won’t save your soul, but they’ll make your damnation taste divine.